October Miscarriage and Baby Loss Awareness a Month

It's October 5th and October is Miscarriage and Infant Loss awareness month. 1 in 4 pregnancies do not make it to term. A shocking statistic that most are not aware of.

If someone you know has been through this kind of loss please remember them and pray for them this month. In a world full of abortions and "women's choice" please remember that these babies were wanted and the loss of them was not by the choice of their parents. 

For those of you who have been through this kind of loss, do you do something special the month of October to remember your child/children? 

I recently got some new charms for my necklace. They are baby booties with a blue stone for our baby boy and a pink stone for our little girl. I attached pearls which would have been their birthstones. They both would have been born in June, two years apart. 

We also have a small space in our home with a shelf that holds little mementos to remember their short lives. 

I would love for you to comment and share with me the special ways you choose to remember. 

Infertility and the Church

Prayer groups, lists, meetings...All filled with requests of people suffering physically from illness, cancer, or other physical limitations. 

                    So why not infertility? 

We pray for loved ones to be healed of illnesses when Drs have given them a life limiting prognosis, knowing full well that the Great Physican and all Powerful Healer can perform this work despite what man and science have to say. So why not pray for the couple given the diagnosis of infertility? The ones broken by this 'physical limitation'? God has just as much power to give a childless couple children as He does to cure cancer. After all did He not prove it over and over in the Bible? Elizabeth, Hannah, Sarah. 

We fill our prayer lists with life or death situations...Why not this one? 

             After all it is a situation of LIFE.

Maybe it's because no one really knows the couple deals with this issue. In a sea of "be fruitful and multiplies" they feel ashamed. Perhaps believing that God is punishing them for some sin. (I don't personally believe this, I believe that Jesus took the final punishment for our sins on the cross and everything is under the blood, though sometimes The Lord allows us to endure the consequences of our actions. However I know that some folks from the college I attended believe the doctrine of "it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but watch out because 'God's gonna git ya for what you did'.)

Or maybe it is the uttermost importance placed on having children by the church and those around them in the church. Program after program dedicated to children. Children's church, Awana, Sunday School programs, MOPS groups. Or the service that every woman that struggles with infertility dreads...Mothers Day. When the majority of churches only celebrate mothers with living children. Not those with a mother's heart who wishes to conceive or are childless due to loss. 

After all "children are a blessing from The Lord". All the while one woman sits in the pew week after week praying "Lord where's my blessing?"

So this week as you attend your mid-week prayer meetings or pray through your "list" in your quiet time, please remember everyone with physical needs even if they remain unspoken. 

Weenie Wednesday

The devil has really been messing with my emotions this week and I have really been missing our little ones. David Jeremiah would be 26 months old and I'm sure keeping me very busy getting into everything. Little Hope Elyce would be 6-7 weeks old and I'm sure we would have had the changing of the guard from my mom to hubby's mom as I'm sure they both would have come to help with the new baby.
Times like this I'm thankful to have my puppies that allow me to cuddle with them, spoil them, and even dress them up. Here's some recent pictures of our adventures:

10 Things About Me-Grief Aside

Today I am linking up with Still Standing Magazine for the '10 Things About Me- Grief Aside.
The challenge focuses on the fact that though grief has changed us following the loss of our children, grief does not define us. Often in this community we know our 'loss friends' stories but we don't truly know them. We were people with lives, loves, passions, gifts, and dreams and we still are. For some of us a portion of our dreams has been stolen from us but we continue to dream.
Here is my list of 10:

1. Where were you born and where do you live? I was born in OH and currently live in VA. 

2. What is your favourite food? Ice Cream

3. What are you reading right now? Dream Big by Terri Savelle Foy

4. What is your favorite color? Pink

5. Sweet or Savoury? Sweet

6. Most amazing day of your life? My wedding day

7. What are you passionate about? Perinatal hospice

8. Hobbies? Playing piano, crafts, baking, and my dogs 

9. Your dream job? Being a mommy 

10. What have you been procrastinating on? Nursing CEUs 

Patience

Recently I have been doing word studies in my personal Bible study. I choose a word, then using the concordance in the back of my Bible I look up each reference listed for that word. I make sure to read the verses surrounding the one containing the word to gain context, as well as look up the cross reference verses, to make sure that I am applying the verse correctly. So far I have studied hope, waiting, and patience. While studying the word patience I was surprised at how it is used in the Bible and it's meaning. 

I had always pictured patience as being very passive. Remember when you were little and you wanted to do something and you were squirming just waiting to do what you wanted to do? And your mom would tell you to "be still, be quiet, and be patient." Well by it's very definition patience is very active and painful. Surprised? I was. 

Patience is defined as: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay; the quality of being patient as the bearing of pain. Many of the verses in the Bible that mention patience the word is used as a synonym for endurance or perseverance eg. Heb. 10:36, Heb. 12:1, James 5:11, Rom. 5:3. 

Endurance is defined as: the fact or power of enduring an unpleasant or difficult process or situation without giving way. Perseverance is similar in its definition. 

I used to think that if we felt pain during a time of being patient somehow we weren't truly being patient. We hadn't given our desires over to God or we would not be feeling this internal struggle. As it says in Romans 5:3, "we glory in tribulations knowing that tribulation worketh patience." As well as James 1:2-3, "...count it all joy when ye fall into [various trials]: Knowing this that [they] [produce] patience." But endurance and perseverance are by their very definition painful. These verses aren't calling us to live in a bubble of denial that what we are experiencing while being patient isn't painful, but rather to rejoice through the pain. 

Whether you are waiting to conceive, waiting for an adoption to become final, waiting for your mate, or the perfect job. Waiting takes perserverence and it hurts. I think my favorite definition that I found during this study is a definition of patiently: bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, or annoyance, with calmness. The only way we will find that calmness through the pain and difficulty is with God's help. 

Psalm 37:7 "Rest in The Lord and wait patiently for Him: fret not thyself..."

Both Abraham and David are examples of patience while waiting for God's promises to them to be fulfilled.  Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for The Lord and He inclined unto me and heard my cry." Hebrews 6:15 "And so after he had patiently endured he obtained the promise." Remember God loves us just as much as He did Abraham and David and He is the same today as He was thousands of years ago when they were living. He will fulfill His promises to His children we must only be patient. 

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A week of milestones...

Milestone: a significant event or stage in the life of a person.

This week holds several milestones for me...

Today marks my 27th birthday...I feel old saying that but inside I feel young like I'm still 18!! I have decided to take an emotional break from all things babies, and baby making this summer. As much as I long to have kids, God has not seen fit for that to happen yet, so since I'm still in my 20's I might as well have a good time while I don't have that extra responsibility!

Tomorrow would have been my due date with Hope Elyce. 

This week we would have been celebrating David Jeremiah's 2nd birthday.

As I start a new year of life my focus is going to be on enjoying what I have now. Will I continue to look back and remember? Of course. I will never forget my two babies, but I am going to consciously focus on and be grateful for what God has given me here and now.

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Things I have learned TTC

Here is a list of things that I have learned while on this 'TTC' journey. Things that I wish I had known when we started.

1. TTC and actually being pregnant are not the same thing. No brainer right? When we started trying I dove into things with both feet. I was naive enough to think that as soon as I stopped birth control we would get pregnant. After all tons of teenage girls only "do it" once and they get pregnant, right? Surely as a young married couple we have this thing in the bag the first month. Wrong. I wish I had exposed myself more to the subject of infertility prior to starting so that I could understand how prevalent it is.

2. On that note, I wish that I had taken a couple of months to really learn my cycle by charting before anticipating getting pregnant. I would have saved myself some of the heartache had I done that. And the only way to do that is...

3. Research! This is something I did do. The best book I would recommend to women who are TTC is Taking Charge of Your Fertility  by Toni Weschler. Excellent book that takes you through how to chart etc. Researching gets tricky however because it fueled a fire within me and I became 'the crazy baby lady'.

4. I began to drive my husband nuts with all things baby which I now regret. This is supposed to be a time of togetherness (gonna need lots of that for actual conception), and working toward the mutual goal of having a baby. Sometimes as women though I think this 'monster' is created as we TTC and are surrounded by tons of friends in the same stage of life as us who are popping up pregnant all over the place! It just has to happen this month! How many times my sweet husband has ridden that emotional roller coaster with me month after month. He is a saint. For more on this topic you can read a previous post I wrote here http://journeyingsidebyside.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-trap.html.

5. Looking back I now wish I had gone to my gyno prior to TTC. Of course I had the yearly check ups but I went off BC without checking in. Part of that is due to the fact that when we moved to VA I did not know who the good doctors in town were. I picked one and hated his bedside manner. Mix with that the fact that the time I did go to see him I was in a deep depression from the first miscarriage, and that became the focus of the appointment. Needless to say I didn't want to go back there. So I did my research and when I did get pregnant I chose a different office. Naturally most doctors' offices don't schedule prenatal appointments until you are 10 weeks along. Had I seen someone and been an established patient could things have gone differently? Maybe, maybe not. The way it actually turned out was that the appointment that should have been my first 10 week prenatal check-up became a follow-up from my miscarriage. Go figure.

6. The biggest thing I wish I knew when starting out on this whole crazy journey is that everyone's journey is different. Some couples do get pregnant the first month they try; some it takes years and many physical challenges. God is the only one able to give life. Just because I ate this thing, or didn't eat that thing, or prayed this prayer, or said that thing, does not make me pregnant. I have heard and read so many stories of other peoples' journeys that I started to become almost superstitious. I would take away the wrong lessons from their stories, for example 'oh the wife prayed this' so that's what I would pray. Or 'they did that' and magically they were pregnant the next month so I'd do that too and it wouldn't work. I had to give up control over the situation.

I wish I could go back in time and share these things with my former self. It would have saved me some heartache; not all, but some.

Return to Zero Movie Review

Return to Zero is a film that premiered on Lifetime this last weekend. The film is based on writer-director-producer Sean Hanish’s own experience, as it tells the story of Maggie and Aaron (Minnie Driver and Paul Adelstein) in the aftermath of stillbirth.

**Spoiler alert** DO NOT READ THE REST IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE. 

The following are bits and pieces of the movie that really spoke to my heart. The movie while it is about still birth shows a lot of feelings that I have experienced through miscarriage. It was an AMAZING movie. I have been looking forward to it for a long time and it was everything that I expected and wanted in a movie on this subject. Minnie Driver did an excellent job. 

The part of the movie that spoke to me the most was when Maggie was talking with her Dr. "This pain I feel, I love it.  I embrace it.  I'm afraid if I let it go I'm gonna lose the last little piece of him I have." I think that's why it's so important for us loss mom's to talk about our children.  We don't have them physically here, so talking about them is the only way we can be close to them.  Also, it validates their existence.  They were people. They matter.  Their life matters.

The fear Maggie felt about getting pregnant again definitely resonated with me. Recently I have become so afraid to get pregnant.  Just because you hit a certain week marker doesn't guarantee anything. It could be still born. You could have a healthy born child and as a story I've recently read about a little boy, he could turn 5 yrs old just to get brain cancer and leave this earth anyway. Once you've had a dream stolen away from you its hard to dream again from fear of losing hope again.  

The conversation that Maggie had with her mom was the perfect conversation to bring loss moms together. We as loss moms need each other.  No we may not understand fully each others pain if we've had a miscarriage vs still birth or vice versa but as her mother said "it's still a loss. It still hurts... It's the loss of the possibility of what might have been.  And that is exactly the same." Everyone's loss is hurtful and painful. We already feel like outsiders to the rest of the world, let's not alienate each other.

 As Maggie's leaving the hospital with her newborn daughter and the male nurse says "you are so good with her she can't be your first.  How many kids do you have? " and she replies "2". This is the question every loss mom dreads. It is so hard for moms to know what to say when people ask that question. Somehow when you dont tell the truth you feel guilty that you're letting your sweet little lost babies down by not acknowledging their existence.  But yet when you do tell the truth you just ruined whoever you were talking to's day.  They surely didn't expect you to tell them about your dead baby/babies.  How awkward can this thing get? 

I love at the end when Maggie tells her new baby girl about her big brother who is looking down on her and looking out for her. Precious...

Thank you to the Hanish's for telling your story and for breaking the silence!!   

To My Angel's on Mother's Day

Dear David Jeremiah and Hope, 

   This Mother's Day I just want you to know that I miss you and wish that I had the opportunity to be your mother here on earth. The things I miss on this day are hand made cards, breakfasts in bed, colored pages, and picked wild flowers. Mostly though I miss your hugs and kisses. I wish that things were different but the one thing I wouldn't change is that God has taught me so much through this experience and I have grown so much closer to Him.  Above all else I hope you know how much I love you. Your daddy and I miss you and look forward to seeing you in heaven someday. I may not have had the chance to be your mother here on earth but I am and always will be your mother. 

I love you with all my heart. 

Love Mommy

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International Bereaved Mother's Day

It's International Bereaved Mother's Day and I just want to send my love to all the mommas out there that are often forgotten on Mother's Day. 

The world sees us and we have no children on our hip... no toddler to chase after... no baby to push in the stroller...and so we are forgotten. 

So often we are overlooked on Mother's Day and are left to grieve what we have lost. Even in churches where we should be supported the most, bereaved mothers are left out while others gather for banquets, brunches, and teas. 

While all of those around you are pregnant and having babies it's easy as a bereaved mother to feel like you're not "part of the club", and then comes Mother's Day a day full of reminders of what should have been, and what isn't. 

So many grieve in silence but if you know someone that has lost a child please acknowledge her as a mother on this day. You will make her day!

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Happy Easter!

During the Christmas holidays you normally see manger scenes denoting the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of Christ. Have you ever wondered why we don't see any 'Easter scenes'?  By all means Christ's birth is very important but if He had merely been born and not died and rose again we would have absolutely no hope. In my mind then Easter seems to be highly under celebrated. So this year I decided to make my own 'Easter scene' that can be used during the season much like a manger scene during the holidays to remind us of the true reason for Easter.

To make one I needed the following:

-a glass bowl or container to hold the scene

-sand

-small decorative rocks

-modeling clay for the hill/tomb

- larger rock for the rolled away stone

-twigs and twine for crosses

-moss

-hot glue

I started by layering the sand and decorative rocks in the bottom of the glass bowl.

Next I used the modeling clay to form the hill/tomb.

Then I made the crosses using twigs and twine.

The last step was hot gluing the moss on the hill. 

Happy Easter!!!

A good name

Today mark's 52 days until my projected due date for our second child.  This week I would have been 32 weeks along. As things get closer and closer under normal circumstances parents would be discussing and settling on names as they look forward to the upcoming arrival date.

In the aftermath of both miscarriages we discussed naming both babies but at the time Jeremy felt that since they were with Jesus we ought to let Him name them. 

Following the loss of our second child in October I was given the book 'Heaven is for Real' as a gift.  The book is the story of a little boy who died during emergency surgery and went to heaven for a short time before coming back to earth.  In the book he tells his mother that he met his older sister while in heaven.  Being that he was so young his parents had never told him about the miscarriage his mother had prior to his birth.  His mother asks him what his sister's name is and he simply replies, "She doesn't have a name. She's waiting for you to get to heaven to give her a name. " After reading this we discussed and finally decided on names.  Due to different circumstances that I will write about later, we believe that our first child was a boy and the second a girl. 

May I introduce...

David Jeremiah conceived and died September 2011. He is named after Jeremy and my dad who's middle names are both David.  His middle name is for his father a form of Jeremy.  His name means: the beloved one who is exalted by the Lord.
                                 And

Hope Elyce (pronounced Elise) conceived September 2013 and died October 2013. Her name means: one who has expectations as from the Lord ; the Lord is my God. 

"Morning by morning"

We all have things that we never thought we would do. One of my things is writing this blog. I always hated English especially in high school (you grammar nazi's can probably tell by my style of writing and my many mistakes). However, I write this blog because of a verse that I was reminded of in church today: "[God] Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." 2 Corinthians 1:4 I write this blog hoping that something that the Lord leads me to write will comfort one of you my readers. Or perhaps just knowing that you aren't going through these same struggles alone will comfort you. I certainly have found comfort in hearing the stories of others who are struggling with the same things that I am. 

Speaking of church this morning, another thing I didn't think I would ever do is have a breakdown right in the middle of hundreds of people. I HATE to cry in public. I am nosy by nature so when I see others crying in public I automatically want to know why. I do not like the idea of everyone around me staring at me and wondering why in the world I'm crying. Maybe it's a pride thing, I don't know.

The sermon series Pastor Jonathan has being doing is based on a book that his late father Jerry Falwell Sr. wrote with the collaboration of Dr. Harold Wilmington, called 'When It Hurts Too Much To Cry.' When he first announced the sermon series I was on it like white on rice. The church was even offering free copies of the book and I got one right away. Reading the book itself has helped me a great deal and the sermons have been good but mostly a light review of what I already had read. 

Today during the service there was a couple with a teeny baby sitting two rows up from us and I had a clear view of everything as we were sitting in the balcony and the rows stair step down. The mother was feeding him from a bottle off and on, throughout the service alternating with mini burping sessions. He had some wild crazy cute hair and BIG wide eyes. What really got my attention was when she was feeding him from the bottle he would wrap his teeny little hands around her fingers that were gripping the bottle and he would stroke them. It was as if he was lovingly stroking her hand as one would when reassuring someone. It was one of the sweetest things I think I have ever seen. 

Follow that up with Pastor Jonathan stating at the end of his sermon, "Maybe today you would say I've tried everything I know to do to fix the situation, and over and over I am met with disappointment and the tears just keep coming, no matter what I try; and maybe today it's time to just say 'God I'm done' and give it all to Him." That statement pretty much sums up how I felt after this last month being disappointed once again after renewed hope from starting a new medication. 

We then sang Great is Thy Faithfulness as a closing hymn and one particular line stunned me as I considered it. 

                                         'All I have needed Thy hand hath provided' 

Notice the past tense in that line? (That's my English genius coming out right there.) 

It stung me as it sank in that God provides everything I need when I need it. I had just been staring at that young baby and his mother thinking in my head "God I am so ready. Why can't that be us." Then He reminded me through that old hymn I have probably sung a thousand times before. If I had needed a child by now, He would have provided a child by now. I had to stop singing because of the lump in my throat. I started pinching myself to try to hold it together, but I just couldn't do it. My sweet husband  and a sweet friend we were sitting with hugged me and reassured me after the service was over. 

The line in that song stung but there is comfort in that song as well. 

                                        'Morning by morning new mercies I seek'

Ready for some more English genius? In that song and in 2 Corinthians as well it says 'mercies'...plural. His mercies for us are such vast amounts that we cannot even comprehend them, and they are delivered fresh and new every day for whatever we are facing that day. 

                                                 'Great is Thy Faithfulness Lord Unto ME'

To get your own copy of 'When It Hurts Too Much To Cry' you can download it from iBooks, Amazon.com, or on a Kindle. 

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Bathroom re-do

Recently I redecorated our bathroom because we needed a "grown-up" bathroom. One that had storage but looked nice as well.

Before...

Kind of junky and plain looking. 

I found a tiered stand on sale at Pier 1, and while there also found some glass bird containers. Have I mentioned I love birds?

This is after...

I added the picture frame and clock piece that I also got 50% off at Things Remembered. This allows me to have a clock in the bathroom so I know how much time I have left getting ready to go somewhere, and keeps me from using my phone in there which usually then gets hairspray on it...yuck. 

I then added the bird theme to the rest of the bathroom...

Hope this gives you some ideas of little things you can do around your house to change a room without a lot of money. 

Each Month

If you are struggling to conceive you understand the monthly roller coaster of emotions: hope, anticipation, fear, disappointment, sadness, and grief.

Each month we try...

Each month we hope...

Each month we pray...

Each month we wait...


Each month starts out with fresh hope for new life, and when it ends in disappointment each month we grieve the chance for that life. Another month gone, another chance for a child gone.

With the start of each cycle the emotions of the miscarriages come back.  All hope for that month lost... It's as if the hope that each new month brings is like a bandaid placed over the wound of losing our two children. Then with each appearance of a new cycle the bandaid is ripped off, exposing the wound once again, fresh and bloody.

Each month regardless of disappointment after disappointment we pick ourselves up and try again.

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Weenie Wednesday!

Being a "loss mom" there are many days when my arms feel empty.  I am thankful for my fur babies that snuggle with me and help my arms not feel so empty.

Remembering

Today I wanted to share with you all ways that I am choosing to remember our children and aid in the grieving process.

First a shout out to Sufficient Grace Ministries for the care package I received! It included a stuffed bear (specifically for women to hold when their arms are empty), a pamphlet on grief, and a memory book to write down all the memory's and dreams we had for our little ones. These packages are free to bereaved parents. This is a wonderful ministry with lots of resources and support.
http://sufficientgraceministries.org/support-sufficient-grace/

Secondly, I have a necklace that I wear everyday. It started out with the diamond ring my husband gave me on our first anniversary of dating. This past June when we made the decision to actively TTC I wanted to get something to remember our first child by. I did not want to jump into the TTC and pregnancy/baby world and forget our first child. So I went to our local Penelope. It just so happened that my mom was visiting at the time and we were able to go do a little shopping together and create memories. I AM SO VERY GLAD SHE WAS WITH ME! It is a special memory, and she was able to get a little angel necklace to wear herself. She and my dad have always been very good about acknowledging ALL of their grandchildren, even those that are not with us on earth.

I purchased an engravable heart and had "mommy of" on one side, and "angel baby" on the other side engraved. I added a small pearl to the necklace as a birthstone because our first child would have been born in June. I am a June baby myself and prefer the pearl to the dark purple, almost brown alexandrite stone. 

The week following the loss of our second child in October my mom was again able to go with me while I bought another small pearl, in memory of our second child. Our second baby would have been born in June as well. Our children would have been exactly two years apart. 

This is my daily remembrance of their little lives. 

What Makes A Mother I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today I asked, "What makes a Mother?" And I know I heard Him say A Mother has a baby This we know is true But, God, can you be a mother When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can He replied With confidence in His voice I give many women babies When they leave it is not their choice Some I send for a lifetime And others for the day And some I send to feel your womb But there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared His throat And then I saw a tear I wish I could show you What your child is doing here If you could see your child smile With other children and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear, but my Mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here!" I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lessons very quickly My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day When she goes to sleep On her pillow is where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear "Mommy, Please don't be sad today I'm your baby and I am here" So you see my dear sweet one Your children are okay Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay They'll wait for you with Me Until your lessons there are through And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates waiting for you So now you see What makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start ~Author Unknown~

Be Still and Know

I've recently discovered that I am riding a crazy cycle, one that I plan to break now that I have realized it. After all they do say the first step to fixing your problems is acknowledging that you actually have a problem right?

I got my work schedule changed shortly after I found out that I was pregnant in order to allow more time at home to rest and prepare during pregnancy but to also give me days at home to raise said child, myself. So I changed from working every day 8-5 and being on call several evenings a week to working 2-3, 12 hr shifts each week. So I always have 2 days at home each week and every other week I get a 4 day weekend. I am blessed!

The days I'm at home are usually spent catching up on laundry and cleaning that I used to do every evening after work. I also have these grand plans of Bible study and reading for personal development. The whole day is mine to work things how I see fit to get everything on my to-do list done. I pictured afternoons being spent reading and studying with a cup of hot tea and two dogs on my lap. 

   

                                               And to my shame it hasn't happened...

Almost as soon as I get up I turn some sort of media on. Music, Cd's, TV: anything to drown out the silence. 

 You see I thought this time in my life would be consumed with diapers, pacifiers, nap times, etc. because our first child would be 21 months old right now. I would also be busily preparing for baby #2 and attending doctors appointments every one or two weeks. Silence would be something that I wished for. A moment of peace and quiet is hard for a momma with small children to come by.

                                          Instead I'm swallowed in a tomb of silence.

One show or CD turns into another, I busy myself cleaning, cooking, etc until I realize the day is almost over and I haven't sat down. I admit I'm a Martha not a Mary. 

The very thing I am doing to fill the silence is pulling me away from one of God's purposes for me during this season of my life.

           

                           

                         Be Still and Know...

Secret Gift

In the ladies' Bible study I'm attending now we are studying Beth Moore's latest book "Sacred Secrets." In this week's video she taught from Psalm 139:13-16;  "For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them." 

She made an excellent point that I had never thought of before. She mentioned that she googled "how soon can I know I'm pregnant" and in her research she found that even with all of the latest science and technology the earliest someone can know if they are pregnant is 4 days (that is with major medical intervention). Using conventional methods it can take as long as 14 days or more...

                            ...But God knows the exact moment of conception.

God knows the moment that life begins, days and usually weeks before even the baby's mother. God gets to sit on His throne in Heaven and bask in this wonderful secret. He personally knows this tiny person that no one else in the whole universe knows even exists at that moment.

Think back to the recent holidays; you had picked out, purchased, and beautifully wrapped the perfect gift for that special someone, but you had to keep the gift SECRET until Christmas Day, the right moment for it to be opened.  I bet you couldn't wait to see your loved one open that gift and experience such joy!

Following my second miscarriage satan planted the seed of doubt in my head that with that pregnancy God had given me the desire of my heart only to cruelly snatch it away from me again; but as I sat pondering what Beth said in her video, I pictured God as my Father, who longs to give me "good gifts" (Matthew 7:11), sitting high on His throne bubbling with excitement waiting for me to "open my gift" the moment that pregnancy test turns positive and again the moment when that child is born. I don't know why our two children were taken from us so early in their little lives; maybe they had some physical or mental defect (do not misunderstand at all; we love them and we would have loved and cared for them regardless). Maybe it just wasn't God's timing. Believe me I tried absolutely everything to make our second pregnancy happen; tests, charting, standing on my head (not even joking)!

I can't wait until that exact moment when my Heavenly Father gets to reveal the secret of my perfect little gift. 

Wearing my heart on my sleeve...

I have learned a lot about grief in the past 3 years, mostly by living through the grief of losing our two babies and my grandfather, but also by working with grieving families as a hospice nurse. 

They say that you never "get over it" you can only learn to "live with it" when you lose a loved one.

Textbooks define grief in stages: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Barganing, Depression, and Acceptance. I'm not sure that I have experienced all of those in that exact order but I do know that I did experience some of them.

After my first miscarriage, because of the circumstances surrounding it and the immediate loss of my grandfather I pushed everything away and went through over a years period of denial. Then the memories came back to haunt me and I fell into a deep depression.

 Many people have different views on depression but I certainly believe that it is real, it is not just a "heart problem", and as a nurse I understand that it can be effected by chemical imbalances. However there was a time during my depression that I remember making the cognitive choice to continue to wallow in my sadness and that is when I knew I was in the wrong. I was allowing my grief to take over my life.

Following my second miscarriage I was fine for a month or so and then I became angry.  Losing my children was something that happened to me, I had no choice in the matter. I started to question God, because after all He created them. I just didn't understand (and I still don't I am just left to trust Him), why He would create a life just to take it? 

If I could tell someone who is grieving any one thing it's ok to have any feeling that you may be experiencing: anger, sadness, depression; and it's ok to question God...

                                                   

                                                           ...for a time. 

Don't let your feelings take over your life. I did for a time and I was miserable through my depression, to the point of contemplating suicide. I have heard depression being described as quicksand and at the time I was sinking fast.

Emotions and feelings are very real and they are given to us by God. 

                        It is not wrong to have feelings or experience emotions they are God given. 

I believe the difference between being an emotionally stable person and being a person who is emotionally unstable is whether you allow those emotions to take over every part of your life. 

                                 During my depression I allowed grief to become my God....

My husband and I are in the season of life where most of our friends are already married and are having children. After losing our second child I knew it was going to be extra hard because babies and everything to do with babies would be everywhere I turned. Is there a twinge of sadness every time I hear a friend announce they're expecting? Yes. When I see little ones do I miss my own? Yes. 

But I won't allow it to change how I interact with those friends or how I treat them. It is not their fault they have been blessed with children at this time and God has seen fit for us to wait. 

Being the mother of two heavenly babies is and always will be a part of who I am, but it is not who I am.

 I am Ruth Anna Johnson Moore, wife, daughter, sister, hospice nurse, business owner, friend, lover of Jesus...

                                                           ...and mother. 

Weenie Wednesday!

As an inherent nurturer (I'm an RN I even do it for a living!) going through miscarriage and infertility can leave quite a gap. However I am a proud doxie momma and they truly are my babies! So don't be shocked when they show up on my blog :-)

This is Penny staring contemplatively out the window. Just had to throw that in!

So as I was creating our new living room wall I knew it would not be complete without a tribute to the 4  legged loves of my life ;-)

Another Pinterest idea come to life! 

Getting those paw-prints wasn't easy in fact it was rather a fiasco. My dear husband helped and poor Penny ended up needing an entire bath before we were done. 

So with the exception of pictures from my mother-in-law to complete the collage I did of our parents and grandparents as dating youngsters, our wall is now complete!

Craft kick...

I have been on a crafting expedition lately. I have gotten tired of "living ON Pinterest" instead of "living my Pinterest". It's something all of us Pinners can fall prey to, pinning, pinning, pinning, and never doing. 

I started with the blank living room wall. Why it never occurred to me before I have no idea, I mean duh the big blank wall staring at me every day! 

I started by making this:

I got a frame, M initial and some burlap from Michaels. The M was already painted black which went perfectly with our current theme but you could get a plain one and paint it your color choice. I cut the burlap to fit the frame, then hot glued the M to the burlap. After it dried I placed it on top of the glass for the frame. 

It took about 10 mins to do and cost about $15-20 and that's including the frame. 

This made a great piece for me to collage around. I will post the finished wall soon. I'm still working on one project for the wall so it's not quite done yet, (hence the nail hanging right below the M). 

The Trap

 

There is a trap that satan wants us to fall into. His goal has always been to tear families apart. Family was the first institution that God ordained in Genesis, and therefore is I believe Gods most precious institution.  The family is at the heart of the foundation of the world, and satan wants to do anything in his power (as limited as it is), to destroy it.

Don’t fall into the trap. The “mommy fever” trap; the “so desperate to be a mom that you leave your husband behind” trap. Whether you’re just starting to “try” (also known as TTC), or you’re in a period of infertility waiting, don’t leave your husband behind. Cultivate your relationship with him. Enjoy every day with him that you are free of distractions and extra stress that children will inevitably bring.

 Enjoy sex!! God meant for sex to be enjoyed and for it to be the ultimate form of intimacy between two people on earth. There’s nothing less sexy than looking at your husband and screaming “I’m ovulating. It’s go time! Drop and give me twenty!”  

 
TTC can be a hard journey for the men in our lives; especially if it is because he is having trouble with his “counts”; his ego can take a real blow. Regardless of the cause, the biggest mistake you can ever make is making him feel like he isn’t enough.  

Infertility is a hard road and can feel lonely even with your spouse by your side. Don’t make the mistake of pushing your husband and being so consumed with EVERYTHING baby that it becomes your only focus. You may find yourself on a journey of infertility completely alone because you’ve pushed the one person on this journey with you, away.

Don’t let it become your idol.  

Don’t be the crazy baby lady.

Blessed

Happy Sunday! 
I hope you were in church this morning to praise God and be filled!
During our morning worship service they played the song "I Can Only Imagine." The premise of the song is imagining what one will experience when they get to heaven;  sights, emotions,  etc.
As I listened one word permeated my heart...
Blessed

I am blessed...

...To be the mother of two children.  Some people are not able to ever have any children...
... That my children are PERFECT.  They have never known anything other than heaven...
... God has freely given ME eternal life and the promise of seeing those precious babies...

Now this does not mean I don't miss them desperately...
But I have assurance that I will be with them for eternity.
...I CAN ONLY IMAGINE...

MERCYME
I Can Only Imagine

I can only imagine 
What it will be like 
When I walk 
By Your side 

I can only imagine 
What my eyes will see 
When Your face 
Is before me 

I can only imagine yeah
I can only imagine 

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel 
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still 
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I 
fall 
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all 

I can only imagine yeah
I can only imagine 

I can only imagine 
When that day comes 
And I find myself 
Standing in the sun 

I can only imagine 
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You

I can only imagine