Wearing my heart on my sleeve...

I have learned a lot about grief in the past 3 years, mostly by living through the grief of losing our two babies and my grandfather, but also by working with grieving families as a hospice nurse. 

They say that you never "get over it" you can only learn to "live with it" when you lose a loved one.

Textbooks define grief in stages: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Barganing, Depression, and Acceptance. I'm not sure that I have experienced all of those in that exact order but I do know that I did experience some of them.

After my first miscarriage, because of the circumstances surrounding it and the immediate loss of my grandfather I pushed everything away and went through over a years period of denial. Then the memories came back to haunt me and I fell into a deep depression.

 Many people have different views on depression but I certainly believe that it is real, it is not just a "heart problem", and as a nurse I understand that it can be effected by chemical imbalances. However there was a time during my depression that I remember making the cognitive choice to continue to wallow in my sadness and that is when I knew I was in the wrong. I was allowing my grief to take over my life.

Following my second miscarriage I was fine for a month or so and then I became angry.  Losing my children was something that happened to me, I had no choice in the matter. I started to question God, because after all He created them. I just didn't understand (and I still don't I am just left to trust Him), why He would create a life just to take it? 

If I could tell someone who is grieving any one thing it's ok to have any feeling that you may be experiencing: anger, sadness, depression; and it's ok to question God...

                                                   

                                                           ...for a time. 

Don't let your feelings take over your life. I did for a time and I was miserable through my depression, to the point of contemplating suicide. I have heard depression being described as quicksand and at the time I was sinking fast.

Emotions and feelings are very real and they are given to us by God. 

                        It is not wrong to have feelings or experience emotions they are God given. 

I believe the difference between being an emotionally stable person and being a person who is emotionally unstable is whether you allow those emotions to take over every part of your life. 

                                 During my depression I allowed grief to become my God....

My husband and I are in the season of life where most of our friends are already married and are having children. After losing our second child I knew it was going to be extra hard because babies and everything to do with babies would be everywhere I turned. Is there a twinge of sadness every time I hear a friend announce they're expecting? Yes. When I see little ones do I miss my own? Yes. 

But I won't allow it to change how I interact with those friends or how I treat them. It is not their fault they have been blessed with children at this time and God has seen fit for us to wait. 

Being the mother of two heavenly babies is and always will be a part of who I am, but it is not who I am.

 I am Ruth Anna Johnson Moore, wife, daughter, sister, hospice nurse, business owner, friend, lover of Jesus...

                                                           ...and mother. 

Weenie Wednesday!

As an inherent nurturer (I'm an RN I even do it for a living!) going through miscarriage and infertility can leave quite a gap. However I am a proud doxie momma and they truly are my babies! So don't be shocked when they show up on my blog :-)

This is Penny staring contemplatively out the window. Just had to throw that in!

So as I was creating our new living room wall I knew it would not be complete without a tribute to the 4  legged loves of my life ;-)

Another Pinterest idea come to life! 

Getting those paw-prints wasn't easy in fact it was rather a fiasco. My dear husband helped and poor Penny ended up needing an entire bath before we were done. 

So with the exception of pictures from my mother-in-law to complete the collage I did of our parents and grandparents as dating youngsters, our wall is now complete!

Craft kick...

I have been on a crafting expedition lately. I have gotten tired of "living ON Pinterest" instead of "living my Pinterest". It's something all of us Pinners can fall prey to, pinning, pinning, pinning, and never doing. 

I started with the blank living room wall. Why it never occurred to me before I have no idea, I mean duh the big blank wall staring at me every day! 

I started by making this:

I got a frame, M initial and some burlap from Michaels. The M was already painted black which went perfectly with our current theme but you could get a plain one and paint it your color choice. I cut the burlap to fit the frame, then hot glued the M to the burlap. After it dried I placed it on top of the glass for the frame. 

It took about 10 mins to do and cost about $15-20 and that's including the frame. 

This made a great piece for me to collage around. I will post the finished wall soon. I'm still working on one project for the wall so it's not quite done yet, (hence the nail hanging right below the M). 

The Trap

 

There is a trap that satan wants us to fall into. His goal has always been to tear families apart. Family was the first institution that God ordained in Genesis, and therefore is I believe Gods most precious institution.  The family is at the heart of the foundation of the world, and satan wants to do anything in his power (as limited as it is), to destroy it.

Don’t fall into the trap. The “mommy fever” trap; the “so desperate to be a mom that you leave your husband behind” trap. Whether you’re just starting to “try” (also known as TTC), or you’re in a period of infertility waiting, don’t leave your husband behind. Cultivate your relationship with him. Enjoy every day with him that you are free of distractions and extra stress that children will inevitably bring.

 Enjoy sex!! God meant for sex to be enjoyed and for it to be the ultimate form of intimacy between two people on earth. There’s nothing less sexy than looking at your husband and screaming “I’m ovulating. It’s go time! Drop and give me twenty!”  

 
TTC can be a hard journey for the men in our lives; especially if it is because he is having trouble with his “counts”; his ego can take a real blow. Regardless of the cause, the biggest mistake you can ever make is making him feel like he isn’t enough.  

Infertility is a hard road and can feel lonely even with your spouse by your side. Don’t make the mistake of pushing your husband and being so consumed with EVERYTHING baby that it becomes your only focus. You may find yourself on a journey of infertility completely alone because you’ve pushed the one person on this journey with you, away.

Don’t let it become your idol.  

Don’t be the crazy baby lady.

Blessed

Happy Sunday! 
I hope you were in church this morning to praise God and be filled!
During our morning worship service they played the song "I Can Only Imagine." The premise of the song is imagining what one will experience when they get to heaven;  sights, emotions,  etc.
As I listened one word permeated my heart...
Blessed

I am blessed...

...To be the mother of two children.  Some people are not able to ever have any children...
... That my children are PERFECT.  They have never known anything other than heaven...
... God has freely given ME eternal life and the promise of seeing those precious babies...

Now this does not mean I don't miss them desperately...
But I have assurance that I will be with them for eternity.
...I CAN ONLY IMAGINE...

MERCYME
I Can Only Imagine

I can only imagine 
What it will be like 
When I walk 
By Your side 

I can only imagine 
What my eyes will see 
When Your face 
Is before me 

I can only imagine yeah
I can only imagine 

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel 
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still 
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I 
fall 
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all 

I can only imagine yeah
I can only imagine 

I can only imagine 
When that day comes 
And I find myself 
Standing in the sun 

I can only imagine 
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You

I can only imagine

Fashion Friday

Yesterday's post was a bit heavy, so today I thought I'd lighten things up with a fashion tip!

Statement necklaces and other large "costume jewelry" are all the rage right now.  They can be a great accessory to add to some classic pieces that are already in your closet to make them trendy.

I needed a new way to store all my statement jewelry especially my watches, bangles,  and large earrings.

So, I went to Ross and TJMaxx to see what I could find.  While at Ross I found a jewelry holder with birds on it!  (I have a thing for birds as long as they're done tastefully).
This is what it looks like after I got it home and got everything organized.

So back to my original goal to find something for watches, etc. At TJMaxx I found a serving dish for dips and thought it had potential.  So I got it and here's how it turned out. 

If you're looking for some new accessories my fave place to buy quality "costume jewelry" (I know that seems completely contradictory but there's a difference between not buying expensive precious metals and buying junk that will break after wearing it one time), is Versona. They are building some new stores this year and I'm hoping one will be in VA!! 

Contentment

                I have recently taken up running…I know. This from the girl that always said that she hated running and that any exercise that involved the act of picking one's foot up off the ground was too much work. Strength training and ellipticals were my best friends. However now I find myself running several times per week and actually enjoying it! Running is freeing, cleansing…both to the body and to the mind.

Today while running I found myself thinking of a topic that has been on my mind a lot recently:  infertility and contentment.

What does it look like to be truly content no matter your current circumstances? What does it mean to be truly content?

Well I went to the dictionary to get the definition. Contentment is defined as the state of being content. The word content is therefore defined as: “desiring no more than what one has; satisfied; ready to accept one's circumstances.”

I never thought that I would struggle with infertility. I thought that was only something that non-Christians dealt with. After all God mandates in His Word for us to “be fruitful and multiply”. A lot of Christian families are actually looked down upon because they have rather large families. Over and over in the Bible God puts an emphasis on children and the blessing that they are. Psalm 127:3, “Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.” For a woman in Bible times to be barren was a disgrace. Matthew 1:24-25, “And after those days his wife Elisabeth conceived, and hid herself five months, saying, Thus hath the Lord dealt with me in the days wherein he looked on me, to take away my reproach among men.”

 I did not consider myself as someone who struggled with infertility even after my first miscarriage. It was treated as such a common thing for someone to have. But now I find myself unable to conceive after 9 months of trying and a second miscarriage. I thought that infertile couples were those who couldn’t get pregnant at all. But now I’m realizing that there is more than one definition of infertility. Following my miscarriages people have made the comment “well at least you know you can get pregnant”, and somehow that’s supposed to be comforting, when in fact it’s not. Just because my body is capable of conceiving does not mean that it is capable of carrying that baby in the womb.

This is not a topic that is talked about in Christian circles due to several reasons I believe. First of all like myself, we don’t believe that this could happen to someone who is serving God. After all as mentioned before God mandates us to have children! Also who better for God to bless with children than those who love Him and will strive to raise them in a godly manner?  Second, is this issue of contentment. I have been hesitant to share because people will think I am just being discontent with the circumstances that God has given me at this time.

HE created this empty place in my heart and only HE can fill it. Having children was not even on my radar until we lost the first one.

But for now I must wait and be content.  

Content is…

…Not forgetting our two children that I cannot wait to meet in heaven. I don’t get to be their mom here on earth but I will one day get to be their mom.

  …Enjoying every day that my husband and I have together to ourselves, because children do change things.

…Being happy for my friends when God blesses them with healthy children.

…Not judging when I see other mothers with children and asking why them and not me. I don’t know their struggles. I don’t know how many children they have lost or how long it took before God blessed them with the child they have.

…Hope. That one day God will fulfill His promise.

Contentment is not something that will magically happen when I have children. There will always be a sense of imbalance in this world until God comes and creates the new heaven and new earth. Those who have children will have struggles with being tired, worries, etc. and will take the blessing of their family for granted. Those without children will continue to long for them.

I never want to forget. When God does finally bless us with children I don’t want to find myself one day tired, upset, and taking my family for granted. But I know it will come…

Those are the days I want to look back and remember the struggle I had before they came into this world.