Contentment

                I have recently taken up running…I know. This from the girl that always said that she hated running and that any exercise that involved the act of picking one's foot up off the ground was too much work. Strength training and ellipticals were my best friends. However now I find myself running several times per week and actually enjoying it! Running is freeing, cleansing…both to the body and to the mind.

Today while running I found myself thinking of a topic that has been on my mind a lot recently:  infertility and contentment.

What does it look like to be truly content no matter your current circumstances? What does it mean to be truly content?

Well I went to the dictionary to get the definition. Contentment is defined as the state of being content. The word content is therefore defined as: “desiring no more than what one has; satisfied; ready to accept one's circumstances.”

I never thought that I would struggle with infertility. I thought that was only something that non-Christians dealt with. After all God mandates in His Word for us to “be fruitful and multiply”. A lot of Christian families are actually looked down upon because they have rather large families. Over and over in the Bible God puts an emphasis on children and the blessing that they are. Psalm 127:3, “Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.” For a woman in Bible times to be barren was a disgrace. Matthew 1:24-25, “And after those days his wife Elisabeth conceived, and hid herself five months, saying, Thus hath the Lord dealt with me in the days wherein he looked on me, to take away my reproach among men.”

 I did not consider myself as someone who struggled with infertility even after my first miscarriage. It was treated as such a common thing for someone to have. But now I find myself unable to conceive after 9 months of trying and a second miscarriage. I thought that infertile couples were those who couldn’t get pregnant at all. But now I’m realizing that there is more than one definition of infertility. Following my miscarriages people have made the comment “well at least you know you can get pregnant”, and somehow that’s supposed to be comforting, when in fact it’s not. Just because my body is capable of conceiving does not mean that it is capable of carrying that baby in the womb.

This is not a topic that is talked about in Christian circles due to several reasons I believe. First of all like myself, we don’t believe that this could happen to someone who is serving God. After all as mentioned before God mandates us to have children! Also who better for God to bless with children than those who love Him and will strive to raise them in a godly manner?  Second, is this issue of contentment. I have been hesitant to share because people will think I am just being discontent with the circumstances that God has given me at this time.

HE created this empty place in my heart and only HE can fill it. Having children was not even on my radar until we lost the first one.

But for now I must wait and be content.  

Content is…

…Not forgetting our two children that I cannot wait to meet in heaven. I don’t get to be their mom here on earth but I will one day get to be their mom.

  …Enjoying every day that my husband and I have together to ourselves, because children do change things.

…Being happy for my friends when God blesses them with healthy children.

…Not judging when I see other mothers with children and asking why them and not me. I don’t know their struggles. I don’t know how many children they have lost or how long it took before God blessed them with the child they have.

…Hope. That one day God will fulfill His promise.

Contentment is not something that will magically happen when I have children. There will always be a sense of imbalance in this world until God comes and creates the new heaven and new earth. Those who have children will have struggles with being tired, worries, etc. and will take the blessing of their family for granted. Those without children will continue to long for them.

I never want to forget. When God does finally bless us with children I don’t want to find myself one day tired, upset, and taking my family for granted. But I know it will come…

Those are the days I want to look back and remember the struggle I had before they came into this world.