Patience

Recently I have been doing word studies in my personal Bible study. I choose a word, then using the concordance in the back of my Bible I look up each reference listed for that word. I make sure to read the verses surrounding the one containing the word to gain context, as well as look up the cross reference verses, to make sure that I am applying the verse correctly. So far I have studied hope, waiting, and patience. While studying the word patience I was surprised at how it is used in the Bible and it's meaning. 

I had always pictured patience as being very passive. Remember when you were little and you wanted to do something and you were squirming just waiting to do what you wanted to do? And your mom would tell you to "be still, be quiet, and be patient." Well by it's very definition patience is very active and painful. Surprised? I was. 

Patience is defined as: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay; the quality of being patient as the bearing of pain. Many of the verses in the Bible that mention patience the word is used as a synonym for endurance or perseverance eg. Heb. 10:36, Heb. 12:1, James 5:11, Rom. 5:3. 

Endurance is defined as: the fact or power of enduring an unpleasant or difficult process or situation without giving way. Perseverance is similar in its definition. 

I used to think that if we felt pain during a time of being patient somehow we weren't truly being patient. We hadn't given our desires over to God or we would not be feeling this internal struggle. As it says in Romans 5:3, "we glory in tribulations knowing that tribulation worketh patience." As well as James 1:2-3, "...count it all joy when ye fall into [various trials]: Knowing this that [they] [produce] patience." But endurance and perseverance are by their very definition painful. These verses aren't calling us to live in a bubble of denial that what we are experiencing while being patient isn't painful, but rather to rejoice through the pain. 

Whether you are waiting to conceive, waiting for an adoption to become final, waiting for your mate, or the perfect job. Waiting takes perserverence and it hurts. I think my favorite definition that I found during this study is a definition of patiently: bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, or annoyance, with calmness. The only way we will find that calmness through the pain and difficulty is with God's help. 

Psalm 37:7 "Rest in The Lord and wait patiently for Him: fret not thyself..."

Both Abraham and David are examples of patience while waiting for God's promises to them to be fulfilled.  Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for The Lord and He inclined unto me and heard my cry." Hebrews 6:15 "And so after he had patiently endured he obtained the promise." Remember God loves us just as much as He did Abraham and David and He is the same today as He was thousands of years ago when they were living. He will fulfill His promises to His children we must only be patient. 

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A week of milestones...

Milestone: a significant event or stage in the life of a person.

This week holds several milestones for me...

Today marks my 27th birthday...I feel old saying that but inside I feel young like I'm still 18!! I have decided to take an emotional break from all things babies, and baby making this summer. As much as I long to have kids, God has not seen fit for that to happen yet, so since I'm still in my 20's I might as well have a good time while I don't have that extra responsibility!

Tomorrow would have been my due date with Hope Elyce. 

This week we would have been celebrating David Jeremiah's 2nd birthday.

As I start a new year of life my focus is going to be on enjoying what I have now. Will I continue to look back and remember? Of course. I will never forget my two babies, but I am going to consciously focus on and be grateful for what God has given me here and now.

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/alibree/244728678/">alibree</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

Things I have learned TTC

Here is a list of things that I have learned while on this 'TTC' journey. Things that I wish I had known when we started.

1. TTC and actually being pregnant are not the same thing. No brainer right? When we started trying I dove into things with both feet. I was naive enough to think that as soon as I stopped birth control we would get pregnant. After all tons of teenage girls only "do it" once and they get pregnant, right? Surely as a young married couple we have this thing in the bag the first month. Wrong. I wish I had exposed myself more to the subject of infertility prior to starting so that I could understand how prevalent it is.

2. On that note, I wish that I had taken a couple of months to really learn my cycle by charting before anticipating getting pregnant. I would have saved myself some of the heartache had I done that. And the only way to do that is...

3. Research! This is something I did do. The best book I would recommend to women who are TTC is Taking Charge of Your Fertility  by Toni Weschler. Excellent book that takes you through how to chart etc. Researching gets tricky however because it fueled a fire within me and I became 'the crazy baby lady'.

4. I began to drive my husband nuts with all things baby which I now regret. This is supposed to be a time of togetherness (gonna need lots of that for actual conception), and working toward the mutual goal of having a baby. Sometimes as women though I think this 'monster' is created as we TTC and are surrounded by tons of friends in the same stage of life as us who are popping up pregnant all over the place! It just has to happen this month! How many times my sweet husband has ridden that emotional roller coaster with me month after month. He is a saint. For more on this topic you can read a previous post I wrote here http://journeyingsidebyside.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-trap.html.

5. Looking back I now wish I had gone to my gyno prior to TTC. Of course I had the yearly check ups but I went off BC without checking in. Part of that is due to the fact that when we moved to VA I did not know who the good doctors in town were. I picked one and hated his bedside manner. Mix with that the fact that the time I did go to see him I was in a deep depression from the first miscarriage, and that became the focus of the appointment. Needless to say I didn't want to go back there. So I did my research and when I did get pregnant I chose a different office. Naturally most doctors' offices don't schedule prenatal appointments until you are 10 weeks along. Had I seen someone and been an established patient could things have gone differently? Maybe, maybe not. The way it actually turned out was that the appointment that should have been my first 10 week prenatal check-up became a follow-up from my miscarriage. Go figure.

6. The biggest thing I wish I knew when starting out on this whole crazy journey is that everyone's journey is different. Some couples do get pregnant the first month they try; some it takes years and many physical challenges. God is the only one able to give life. Just because I ate this thing, or didn't eat that thing, or prayed this prayer, or said that thing, does not make me pregnant. I have heard and read so many stories of other peoples' journeys that I started to become almost superstitious. I would take away the wrong lessons from their stories, for example 'oh the wife prayed this' so that's what I would pray. Or 'they did that' and magically they were pregnant the next month so I'd do that too and it wouldn't work. I had to give up control over the situation.

I wish I could go back in time and share these things with my former self. It would have saved me some heartache; not all, but some.