Things I have learned TTC

Here is a list of things that I have learned while on this 'TTC' journey. Things that I wish I had known when we started.

1. TTC and actually being pregnant are not the same thing. No brainer right? When we started trying I dove into things with both feet. I was naive enough to think that as soon as I stopped birth control we would get pregnant. After all tons of teenage girls only "do it" once and they get pregnant, right? Surely as a young married couple we have this thing in the bag the first month. Wrong. I wish I had exposed myself more to the subject of infertility prior to starting so that I could understand how prevalent it is.

2. On that note, I wish that I had taken a couple of months to really learn my cycle by charting before anticipating getting pregnant. I would have saved myself some of the heartache had I done that. And the only way to do that is...

3. Research! This is something I did do. The best book I would recommend to women who are TTC is Taking Charge of Your Fertility  by Toni Weschler. Excellent book that takes you through how to chart etc. Researching gets tricky however because it fueled a fire within me and I became 'the crazy baby lady'.

4. I began to drive my husband nuts with all things baby which I now regret. This is supposed to be a time of togetherness (gonna need lots of that for actual conception), and working toward the mutual goal of having a baby. Sometimes as women though I think this 'monster' is created as we TTC and are surrounded by tons of friends in the same stage of life as us who are popping up pregnant all over the place! It just has to happen this month! How many times my sweet husband has ridden that emotional roller coaster with me month after month. He is a saint. For more on this topic you can read a previous post I wrote here http://journeyingsidebyside.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-trap.html.

5. Looking back I now wish I had gone to my gyno prior to TTC. Of course I had the yearly check ups but I went off BC without checking in. Part of that is due to the fact that when we moved to VA I did not know who the good doctors in town were. I picked one and hated his bedside manner. Mix with that the fact that the time I did go to see him I was in a deep depression from the first miscarriage, and that became the focus of the appointment. Needless to say I didn't want to go back there. So I did my research and when I did get pregnant I chose a different office. Naturally most doctors' offices don't schedule prenatal appointments until you are 10 weeks along. Had I seen someone and been an established patient could things have gone differently? Maybe, maybe not. The way it actually turned out was that the appointment that should have been my first 10 week prenatal check-up became a follow-up from my miscarriage. Go figure.

6. The biggest thing I wish I knew when starting out on this whole crazy journey is that everyone's journey is different. Some couples do get pregnant the first month they try; some it takes years and many physical challenges. God is the only one able to give life. Just because I ate this thing, or didn't eat that thing, or prayed this prayer, or said that thing, does not make me pregnant. I have heard and read so many stories of other peoples' journeys that I started to become almost superstitious. I would take away the wrong lessons from their stories, for example 'oh the wife prayed this' so that's what I would pray. Or 'they did that' and magically they were pregnant the next month so I'd do that too and it wouldn't work. I had to give up control over the situation.

I wish I could go back in time and share these things with my former self. It would have saved me some heartache; not all, but some.

Return to Zero Movie Review

Return to Zero is a film that premiered on Lifetime this last weekend. The film is based on writer-director-producer Sean Hanish’s own experience, as it tells the story of Maggie and Aaron (Minnie Driver and Paul Adelstein) in the aftermath of stillbirth.

**Spoiler alert** DO NOT READ THE REST IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE. 

The following are bits and pieces of the movie that really spoke to my heart. The movie while it is about still birth shows a lot of feelings that I have experienced through miscarriage. It was an AMAZING movie. I have been looking forward to it for a long time and it was everything that I expected and wanted in a movie on this subject. Minnie Driver did an excellent job. 

The part of the movie that spoke to me the most was when Maggie was talking with her Dr. "This pain I feel, I love it.  I embrace it.  I'm afraid if I let it go I'm gonna lose the last little piece of him I have." I think that's why it's so important for us loss mom's to talk about our children.  We don't have them physically here, so talking about them is the only way we can be close to them.  Also, it validates their existence.  They were people. They matter.  Their life matters.

The fear Maggie felt about getting pregnant again definitely resonated with me. Recently I have become so afraid to get pregnant.  Just because you hit a certain week marker doesn't guarantee anything. It could be still born. You could have a healthy born child and as a story I've recently read about a little boy, he could turn 5 yrs old just to get brain cancer and leave this earth anyway. Once you've had a dream stolen away from you its hard to dream again from fear of losing hope again.  

The conversation that Maggie had with her mom was the perfect conversation to bring loss moms together. We as loss moms need each other.  No we may not understand fully each others pain if we've had a miscarriage vs still birth or vice versa but as her mother said "it's still a loss. It still hurts... It's the loss of the possibility of what might have been.  And that is exactly the same." Everyone's loss is hurtful and painful. We already feel like outsiders to the rest of the world, let's not alienate each other.

 As Maggie's leaving the hospital with her newborn daughter and the male nurse says "you are so good with her she can't be your first.  How many kids do you have? " and she replies "2". This is the question every loss mom dreads. It is so hard for moms to know what to say when people ask that question. Somehow when you dont tell the truth you feel guilty that you're letting your sweet little lost babies down by not acknowledging their existence.  But yet when you do tell the truth you just ruined whoever you were talking to's day.  They surely didn't expect you to tell them about your dead baby/babies.  How awkward can this thing get? 

I love at the end when Maggie tells her new baby girl about her big brother who is looking down on her and looking out for her. Precious...

Thank you to the Hanish's for telling your story and for breaking the silence!!   

To My Angel's on Mother's Day

Dear David Jeremiah and Hope, 

   This Mother's Day I just want you to know that I miss you and wish that I had the opportunity to be your mother here on earth. The things I miss on this day are hand made cards, breakfasts in bed, colored pages, and picked wild flowers. Mostly though I miss your hugs and kisses. I wish that things were different but the one thing I wouldn't change is that God has taught me so much through this experience and I have grown so much closer to Him.  Above all else I hope you know how much I love you. Your daddy and I miss you and look forward to seeing you in heaven someday. I may not have had the chance to be your mother here on earth but I am and always will be your mother. 

I love you with all my heart. 

Love Mommy

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/blmiers2/5777659359/">blmiers2</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>

International Bereaved Mother's Day

It's International Bereaved Mother's Day and I just want to send my love to all the mommas out there that are often forgotten on Mother's Day. 

The world sees us and we have no children on our hip... no toddler to chase after... no baby to push in the stroller...and so we are forgotten. 

So often we are overlooked on Mother's Day and are left to grieve what we have lost. Even in churches where we should be supported the most, bereaved mothers are left out while others gather for banquets, brunches, and teas. 

While all of those around you are pregnant and having babies it's easy as a bereaved mother to feel like you're not "part of the club", and then comes Mother's Day a day full of reminders of what should have been, and what isn't. 

So many grieve in silence but if you know someone that has lost a child please acknowledge her as a mother on this day. You will make her day!

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/xjrlokix/2505628147/">Ben Fredericson (xjrlokix)</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>

Happy Easter!

During the Christmas holidays you normally see manger scenes denoting the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of Christ. Have you ever wondered why we don't see any 'Easter scenes'?  By all means Christ's birth is very important but if He had merely been born and not died and rose again we would have absolutely no hope. In my mind then Easter seems to be highly under celebrated. So this year I decided to make my own 'Easter scene' that can be used during the season much like a manger scene during the holidays to remind us of the true reason for Easter.

To make one I needed the following:

-a glass bowl or container to hold the scene

-sand

-small decorative rocks

-modeling clay for the hill/tomb

- larger rock for the rolled away stone

-twigs and twine for crosses

-moss

-hot glue

I started by layering the sand and decorative rocks in the bottom of the glass bowl.

Next I used the modeling clay to form the hill/tomb.

Then I made the crosses using twigs and twine.

The last step was hot gluing the moss on the hill. 

Happy Easter!!!

A good name

Today mark's 52 days until my projected due date for our second child.  This week I would have been 32 weeks along. As things get closer and closer under normal circumstances parents would be discussing and settling on names as they look forward to the upcoming arrival date.

In the aftermath of both miscarriages we discussed naming both babies but at the time Jeremy felt that since they were with Jesus we ought to let Him name them. 

Following the loss of our second child in October I was given the book 'Heaven is for Real' as a gift.  The book is the story of a little boy who died during emergency surgery and went to heaven for a short time before coming back to earth.  In the book he tells his mother that he met his older sister while in heaven.  Being that he was so young his parents had never told him about the miscarriage his mother had prior to his birth.  His mother asks him what his sister's name is and he simply replies, "She doesn't have a name. She's waiting for you to get to heaven to give her a name. " After reading this we discussed and finally decided on names.  Due to different circumstances that I will write about later, we believe that our first child was a boy and the second a girl. 

May I introduce...

David Jeremiah conceived and died September 2011. He is named after Jeremy and my dad who's middle names are both David.  His middle name is for his father a form of Jeremy.  His name means: the beloved one who is exalted by the Lord.
                                 And

Hope Elyce (pronounced Elise) conceived September 2013 and died October 2013. Her name means: one who has expectations as from the Lord ; the Lord is my God. 

"Morning by morning"

We all have things that we never thought we would do. One of my things is writing this blog. I always hated English especially in high school (you grammar nazi's can probably tell by my style of writing and my many mistakes). However, I write this blog because of a verse that I was reminded of in church today: "[God] Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." 2 Corinthians 1:4 I write this blog hoping that something that the Lord leads me to write will comfort one of you my readers. Or perhaps just knowing that you aren't going through these same struggles alone will comfort you. I certainly have found comfort in hearing the stories of others who are struggling with the same things that I am. 

Speaking of church this morning, another thing I didn't think I would ever do is have a breakdown right in the middle of hundreds of people. I HATE to cry in public. I am nosy by nature so when I see others crying in public I automatically want to know why. I do not like the idea of everyone around me staring at me and wondering why in the world I'm crying. Maybe it's a pride thing, I don't know.

The sermon series Pastor Jonathan has being doing is based on a book that his late father Jerry Falwell Sr. wrote with the collaboration of Dr. Harold Wilmington, called 'When It Hurts Too Much To Cry.' When he first announced the sermon series I was on it like white on rice. The church was even offering free copies of the book and I got one right away. Reading the book itself has helped me a great deal and the sermons have been good but mostly a light review of what I already had read. 

Today during the service there was a couple with a teeny baby sitting two rows up from us and I had a clear view of everything as we were sitting in the balcony and the rows stair step down. The mother was feeding him from a bottle off and on, throughout the service alternating with mini burping sessions. He had some wild crazy cute hair and BIG wide eyes. What really got my attention was when she was feeding him from the bottle he would wrap his teeny little hands around her fingers that were gripping the bottle and he would stroke them. It was as if he was lovingly stroking her hand as one would when reassuring someone. It was one of the sweetest things I think I have ever seen. 

Follow that up with Pastor Jonathan stating at the end of his sermon, "Maybe today you would say I've tried everything I know to do to fix the situation, and over and over I am met with disappointment and the tears just keep coming, no matter what I try; and maybe today it's time to just say 'God I'm done' and give it all to Him." That statement pretty much sums up how I felt after this last month being disappointed once again after renewed hope from starting a new medication. 

We then sang Great is Thy Faithfulness as a closing hymn and one particular line stunned me as I considered it. 

                                         'All I have needed Thy hand hath provided' 

Notice the past tense in that line? (That's my English genius coming out right there.) 

It stung me as it sank in that God provides everything I need when I need it. I had just been staring at that young baby and his mother thinking in my head "God I am so ready. Why can't that be us." Then He reminded me through that old hymn I have probably sung a thousand times before. If I had needed a child by now, He would have provided a child by now. I had to stop singing because of the lump in my throat. I started pinching myself to try to hold it together, but I just couldn't do it. My sweet husband  and a sweet friend we were sitting with hugged me and reassured me after the service was over. 

The line in that song stung but there is comfort in that song as well. 

                                        'Morning by morning new mercies I seek'

Ready for some more English genius? In that song and in 2 Corinthians as well it says 'mercies'...plural. His mercies for us are such vast amounts that we cannot even comprehend them, and they are delivered fresh and new every day for whatever we are facing that day. 

                                                 'Great is Thy Faithfulness Lord Unto ME'

To get your own copy of 'When It Hurts Too Much To Cry' you can download it from iBooks, Amazon.com, or on a Kindle. 

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