Happy Easter!

During the Christmas holidays you normally see manger scenes denoting the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of Christ. Have you ever wondered why we don't see any 'Easter scenes'?  By all means Christ's birth is very important but if He had merely been born and not died and rose again we would have absolutely no hope. In my mind then Easter seems to be highly under celebrated. So this year I decided to make my own 'Easter scene' that can be used during the season much like a manger scene during the holidays to remind us of the true reason for Easter.

To make one I needed the following:

-a glass bowl or container to hold the scene

-sand

-small decorative rocks

-modeling clay for the hill/tomb

- larger rock for the rolled away stone

-twigs and twine for crosses

-moss

-hot glue

I started by layering the sand and decorative rocks in the bottom of the glass bowl.

Next I used the modeling clay to form the hill/tomb.

Then I made the crosses using twigs and twine.

The last step was hot gluing the moss on the hill. 

Happy Easter!!!

A good name

Today mark's 52 days until my projected due date for our second child.  This week I would have been 32 weeks along. As things get closer and closer under normal circumstances parents would be discussing and settling on names as they look forward to the upcoming arrival date.

In the aftermath of both miscarriages we discussed naming both babies but at the time Jeremy felt that since they were with Jesus we ought to let Him name them. 

Following the loss of our second child in October I was given the book 'Heaven is for Real' as a gift.  The book is the story of a little boy who died during emergency surgery and went to heaven for a short time before coming back to earth.  In the book he tells his mother that he met his older sister while in heaven.  Being that he was so young his parents had never told him about the miscarriage his mother had prior to his birth.  His mother asks him what his sister's name is and he simply replies, "She doesn't have a name. She's waiting for you to get to heaven to give her a name. " After reading this we discussed and finally decided on names.  Due to different circumstances that I will write about later, we believe that our first child was a boy and the second a girl. 

May I introduce...

David Jeremiah conceived and died September 2011. He is named after Jeremy and my dad who's middle names are both David.  His middle name is for his father a form of Jeremy.  His name means: the beloved one who is exalted by the Lord.
                                 And

Hope Elyce (pronounced Elise) conceived September 2013 and died October 2013. Her name means: one who has expectations as from the Lord ; the Lord is my God. 

"Morning by morning"

We all have things that we never thought we would do. One of my things is writing this blog. I always hated English especially in high school (you grammar nazi's can probably tell by my style of writing and my many mistakes). However, I write this blog because of a verse that I was reminded of in church today: "[God] Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." 2 Corinthians 1:4 I write this blog hoping that something that the Lord leads me to write will comfort one of you my readers. Or perhaps just knowing that you aren't going through these same struggles alone will comfort you. I certainly have found comfort in hearing the stories of others who are struggling with the same things that I am. 

Speaking of church this morning, another thing I didn't think I would ever do is have a breakdown right in the middle of hundreds of people. I HATE to cry in public. I am nosy by nature so when I see others crying in public I automatically want to know why. I do not like the idea of everyone around me staring at me and wondering why in the world I'm crying. Maybe it's a pride thing, I don't know.

The sermon series Pastor Jonathan has being doing is based on a book that his late father Jerry Falwell Sr. wrote with the collaboration of Dr. Harold Wilmington, called 'When It Hurts Too Much To Cry.' When he first announced the sermon series I was on it like white on rice. The church was even offering free copies of the book and I got one right away. Reading the book itself has helped me a great deal and the sermons have been good but mostly a light review of what I already had read. 

Today during the service there was a couple with a teeny baby sitting two rows up from us and I had a clear view of everything as we were sitting in the balcony and the rows stair step down. The mother was feeding him from a bottle off and on, throughout the service alternating with mini burping sessions. He had some wild crazy cute hair and BIG wide eyes. What really got my attention was when she was feeding him from the bottle he would wrap his teeny little hands around her fingers that were gripping the bottle and he would stroke them. It was as if he was lovingly stroking her hand as one would when reassuring someone. It was one of the sweetest things I think I have ever seen. 

Follow that up with Pastor Jonathan stating at the end of his sermon, "Maybe today you would say I've tried everything I know to do to fix the situation, and over and over I am met with disappointment and the tears just keep coming, no matter what I try; and maybe today it's time to just say 'God I'm done' and give it all to Him." That statement pretty much sums up how I felt after this last month being disappointed once again after renewed hope from starting a new medication. 

We then sang Great is Thy Faithfulness as a closing hymn and one particular line stunned me as I considered it. 

                                         'All I have needed Thy hand hath provided' 

Notice the past tense in that line? (That's my English genius coming out right there.) 

It stung me as it sank in that God provides everything I need when I need it. I had just been staring at that young baby and his mother thinking in my head "God I am so ready. Why can't that be us." Then He reminded me through that old hymn I have probably sung a thousand times before. If I had needed a child by now, He would have provided a child by now. I had to stop singing because of the lump in my throat. I started pinching myself to try to hold it together, but I just couldn't do it. My sweet husband  and a sweet friend we were sitting with hugged me and reassured me after the service was over. 

The line in that song stung but there is comfort in that song as well. 

                                        'Morning by morning new mercies I seek'

Ready for some more English genius? In that song and in 2 Corinthians as well it says 'mercies'...plural. His mercies for us are such vast amounts that we cannot even comprehend them, and they are delivered fresh and new every day for whatever we are facing that day. 

                                                 'Great is Thy Faithfulness Lord Unto ME'

To get your own copy of 'When It Hurts Too Much To Cry' you can download it from iBooks, Amazon.com, or on a Kindle. 

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/kjcs/6155173697/">'Ajnagraphy'</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

Bathroom re-do

Recently I redecorated our bathroom because we needed a "grown-up" bathroom. One that had storage but looked nice as well.

Before...

Kind of junky and plain looking. 

I found a tiered stand on sale at Pier 1, and while there also found some glass bird containers. Have I mentioned I love birds?

This is after...

I added the picture frame and clock piece that I also got 50% off at Things Remembered. This allows me to have a clock in the bathroom so I know how much time I have left getting ready to go somewhere, and keeps me from using my phone in there which usually then gets hairspray on it...yuck. 

I then added the bird theme to the rest of the bathroom...

Hope this gives you some ideas of little things you can do around your house to change a room without a lot of money. 

Each Month

If you are struggling to conceive you understand the monthly roller coaster of emotions: hope, anticipation, fear, disappointment, sadness, and grief.

Each month we try...

Each month we hope...

Each month we pray...

Each month we wait...


Each month starts out with fresh hope for new life, and when it ends in disappointment each month we grieve the chance for that life. Another month gone, another chance for a child gone.

With the start of each cycle the emotions of the miscarriages come back.  All hope for that month lost... It's as if the hope that each new month brings is like a bandaid placed over the wound of losing our two children. Then with each appearance of a new cycle the bandaid is ripped off, exposing the wound once again, fresh and bloody.

Each month regardless of disappointment after disappointment we pick ourselves up and try again.

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/paloetic/4718653501/">paloetic</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>

Weenie Wednesday!

Being a "loss mom" there are many days when my arms feel empty.  I am thankful for my fur babies that snuggle with me and help my arms not feel so empty.

Remembering

Today I wanted to share with you all ways that I am choosing to remember our children and aid in the grieving process.

First a shout out to Sufficient Grace Ministries for the care package I received! It included a stuffed bear (specifically for women to hold when their arms are empty), a pamphlet on grief, and a memory book to write down all the memory's and dreams we had for our little ones. These packages are free to bereaved parents. This is a wonderful ministry with lots of resources and support.
http://sufficientgraceministries.org/support-sufficient-grace/

Secondly, I have a necklace that I wear everyday. It started out with the diamond ring my husband gave me on our first anniversary of dating. This past June when we made the decision to actively TTC I wanted to get something to remember our first child by. I did not want to jump into the TTC and pregnancy/baby world and forget our first child. So I went to our local Penelope. It just so happened that my mom was visiting at the time and we were able to go do a little shopping together and create memories. I AM SO VERY GLAD SHE WAS WITH ME! It is a special memory, and she was able to get a little angel necklace to wear herself. She and my dad have always been very good about acknowledging ALL of their grandchildren, even those that are not with us on earth.

I purchased an engravable heart and had "mommy of" on one side, and "angel baby" on the other side engraved. I added a small pearl to the necklace as a birthstone because our first child would have been born in June. I am a June baby myself and prefer the pearl to the dark purple, almost brown alexandrite stone. 

The week following the loss of our second child in October my mom was again able to go with me while I bought another small pearl, in memory of our second child. Our second baby would have been born in June as well. Our children would have been exactly two years apart. 

This is my daily remembrance of their little lives. 

What Makes A Mother I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today I asked, "What makes a Mother?" And I know I heard Him say A Mother has a baby This we know is true But, God, can you be a mother When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can He replied With confidence in His voice I give many women babies When they leave it is not their choice Some I send for a lifetime And others for the day And some I send to feel your womb But there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared His throat And then I saw a tear I wish I could show you What your child is doing here If you could see your child smile With other children and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear, but my Mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here!" I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lessons very quickly My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day When she goes to sleep On her pillow is where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear "Mommy, Please don't be sad today I'm your baby and I am here" So you see my dear sweet one Your children are okay Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay They'll wait for you with Me Until your lessons there are through And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates waiting for you So now you see What makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start ~Author Unknown~