Each Month

If you are struggling to conceive you understand the monthly roller coaster of emotions: hope, anticipation, fear, disappointment, sadness, and grief.

Each month we try...

Each month we hope...

Each month we pray...

Each month we wait...


Each month starts out with fresh hope for new life, and when it ends in disappointment each month we grieve the chance for that life. Another month gone, another chance for a child gone.

With the start of each cycle the emotions of the miscarriages come back.  All hope for that month lost... It's as if the hope that each new month brings is like a bandaid placed over the wound of losing our two children. Then with each appearance of a new cycle the bandaid is ripped off, exposing the wound once again, fresh and bloody.

Each month regardless of disappointment after disappointment we pick ourselves up and try again.

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/paloetic/4718653501/">paloetic</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>

Weenie Wednesday!

Being a "loss mom" there are many days when my arms feel empty.  I am thankful for my fur babies that snuggle with me and help my arms not feel so empty.

Remembering

Today I wanted to share with you all ways that I am choosing to remember our children and aid in the grieving process.

First a shout out to Sufficient Grace Ministries for the care package I received! It included a stuffed bear (specifically for women to hold when their arms are empty), a pamphlet on grief, and a memory book to write down all the memory's and dreams we had for our little ones. These packages are free to bereaved parents. This is a wonderful ministry with lots of resources and support.
http://sufficientgraceministries.org/support-sufficient-grace/

Secondly, I have a necklace that I wear everyday. It started out with the diamond ring my husband gave me on our first anniversary of dating. This past June when we made the decision to actively TTC I wanted to get something to remember our first child by. I did not want to jump into the TTC and pregnancy/baby world and forget our first child. So I went to our local Penelope. It just so happened that my mom was visiting at the time and we were able to go do a little shopping together and create memories. I AM SO VERY GLAD SHE WAS WITH ME! It is a special memory, and she was able to get a little angel necklace to wear herself. She and my dad have always been very good about acknowledging ALL of their grandchildren, even those that are not with us on earth.

I purchased an engravable heart and had "mommy of" on one side, and "angel baby" on the other side engraved. I added a small pearl to the necklace as a birthstone because our first child would have been born in June. I am a June baby myself and prefer the pearl to the dark purple, almost brown alexandrite stone. 

The week following the loss of our second child in October my mom was again able to go with me while I bought another small pearl, in memory of our second child. Our second baby would have been born in June as well. Our children would have been exactly two years apart. 

This is my daily remembrance of their little lives. 

What Makes A Mother I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today I asked, "What makes a Mother?" And I know I heard Him say A Mother has a baby This we know is true But, God, can you be a mother When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can He replied With confidence in His voice I give many women babies When they leave it is not their choice Some I send for a lifetime And others for the day And some I send to feel your womb But there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared His throat And then I saw a tear I wish I could show you What your child is doing here If you could see your child smile With other children and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear, but my Mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here!" I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lessons very quickly My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day When she goes to sleep On her pillow is where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear "Mommy, Please don't be sad today I'm your baby and I am here" So you see my dear sweet one Your children are okay Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay They'll wait for you with Me Until your lessons there are through And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates waiting for you So now you see What makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start ~Author Unknown~

Be Still and Know

I've recently discovered that I am riding a crazy cycle, one that I plan to break now that I have realized it. After all they do say the first step to fixing your problems is acknowledging that you actually have a problem right?

I got my work schedule changed shortly after I found out that I was pregnant in order to allow more time at home to rest and prepare during pregnancy but to also give me days at home to raise said child, myself. So I changed from working every day 8-5 and being on call several evenings a week to working 2-3, 12 hr shifts each week. So I always have 2 days at home each week and every other week I get a 4 day weekend. I am blessed!

The days I'm at home are usually spent catching up on laundry and cleaning that I used to do every evening after work. I also have these grand plans of Bible study and reading for personal development. The whole day is mine to work things how I see fit to get everything on my to-do list done. I pictured afternoons being spent reading and studying with a cup of hot tea and two dogs on my lap. 

   

                                               And to my shame it hasn't happened...

Almost as soon as I get up I turn some sort of media on. Music, Cd's, TV: anything to drown out the silence. 

 You see I thought this time in my life would be consumed with diapers, pacifiers, nap times, etc. because our first child would be 21 months old right now. I would also be busily preparing for baby #2 and attending doctors appointments every one or two weeks. Silence would be something that I wished for. A moment of peace and quiet is hard for a momma with small children to come by.

                                          Instead I'm swallowed in a tomb of silence.

One show or CD turns into another, I busy myself cleaning, cooking, etc until I realize the day is almost over and I haven't sat down. I admit I'm a Martha not a Mary. 

The very thing I am doing to fill the silence is pulling me away from one of God's purposes for me during this season of my life.

           

                           

                         Be Still and Know...

Secret Gift

In the ladies' Bible study I'm attending now we are studying Beth Moore's latest book "Sacred Secrets." In this week's video she taught from Psalm 139:13-16;  "For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them." 

She made an excellent point that I had never thought of before. She mentioned that she googled "how soon can I know I'm pregnant" and in her research she found that even with all of the latest science and technology the earliest someone can know if they are pregnant is 4 days (that is with major medical intervention). Using conventional methods it can take as long as 14 days or more...

                            ...But God knows the exact moment of conception.

God knows the moment that life begins, days and usually weeks before even the baby's mother. God gets to sit on His throne in Heaven and bask in this wonderful secret. He personally knows this tiny person that no one else in the whole universe knows even exists at that moment.

Think back to the recent holidays; you had picked out, purchased, and beautifully wrapped the perfect gift for that special someone, but you had to keep the gift SECRET until Christmas Day, the right moment for it to be opened.  I bet you couldn't wait to see your loved one open that gift and experience such joy!

Following my second miscarriage satan planted the seed of doubt in my head that with that pregnancy God had given me the desire of my heart only to cruelly snatch it away from me again; but as I sat pondering what Beth said in her video, I pictured God as my Father, who longs to give me "good gifts" (Matthew 7:11), sitting high on His throne bubbling with excitement waiting for me to "open my gift" the moment that pregnancy test turns positive and again the moment when that child is born. I don't know why our two children were taken from us so early in their little lives; maybe they had some physical or mental defect (do not misunderstand at all; we love them and we would have loved and cared for them regardless). Maybe it just wasn't God's timing. Believe me I tried absolutely everything to make our second pregnancy happen; tests, charting, standing on my head (not even joking)!

I can't wait until that exact moment when my Heavenly Father gets to reveal the secret of my perfect little gift. 

Wearing my heart on my sleeve...

I have learned a lot about grief in the past 3 years, mostly by living through the grief of losing our two babies and my grandfather, but also by working with grieving families as a hospice nurse. 

They say that you never "get over it" you can only learn to "live with it" when you lose a loved one.

Textbooks define grief in stages: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Barganing, Depression, and Acceptance. I'm not sure that I have experienced all of those in that exact order but I do know that I did experience some of them.

After my first miscarriage, because of the circumstances surrounding it and the immediate loss of my grandfather I pushed everything away and went through over a years period of denial. Then the memories came back to haunt me and I fell into a deep depression.

 Many people have different views on depression but I certainly believe that it is real, it is not just a "heart problem", and as a nurse I understand that it can be effected by chemical imbalances. However there was a time during my depression that I remember making the cognitive choice to continue to wallow in my sadness and that is when I knew I was in the wrong. I was allowing my grief to take over my life.

Following my second miscarriage I was fine for a month or so and then I became angry.  Losing my children was something that happened to me, I had no choice in the matter. I started to question God, because after all He created them. I just didn't understand (and I still don't I am just left to trust Him), why He would create a life just to take it? 

If I could tell someone who is grieving any one thing it's ok to have any feeling that you may be experiencing: anger, sadness, depression; and it's ok to question God...

                                                   

                                                           ...for a time. 

Don't let your feelings take over your life. I did for a time and I was miserable through my depression, to the point of contemplating suicide. I have heard depression being described as quicksand and at the time I was sinking fast.

Emotions and feelings are very real and they are given to us by God. 

                        It is not wrong to have feelings or experience emotions they are God given. 

I believe the difference between being an emotionally stable person and being a person who is emotionally unstable is whether you allow those emotions to take over every part of your life. 

                                 During my depression I allowed grief to become my God....

My husband and I are in the season of life where most of our friends are already married and are having children. After losing our second child I knew it was going to be extra hard because babies and everything to do with babies would be everywhere I turned. Is there a twinge of sadness every time I hear a friend announce they're expecting? Yes. When I see little ones do I miss my own? Yes. 

But I won't allow it to change how I interact with those friends or how I treat them. It is not their fault they have been blessed with children at this time and God has seen fit for us to wait. 

Being the mother of two heavenly babies is and always will be a part of who I am, but it is not who I am.

 I am Ruth Anna Johnson Moore, wife, daughter, sister, hospice nurse, business owner, friend, lover of Jesus...

                                                           ...and mother. 

Weenie Wednesday!

As an inherent nurturer (I'm an RN I even do it for a living!) going through miscarriage and infertility can leave quite a gap. However I am a proud doxie momma and they truly are my babies! So don't be shocked when they show up on my blog :-)

This is Penny staring contemplatively out the window. Just had to throw that in!

So as I was creating our new living room wall I knew it would not be complete without a tribute to the 4  legged loves of my life ;-)

Another Pinterest idea come to life! 

Getting those paw-prints wasn't easy in fact it was rather a fiasco. My dear husband helped and poor Penny ended up needing an entire bath before we were done. 

So with the exception of pictures from my mother-in-law to complete the collage I did of our parents and grandparents as dating youngsters, our wall is now complete!